Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
