I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
