You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
