Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
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