Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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