No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
