Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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