you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
