I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
