i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
