life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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