Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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