So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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