i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
