so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
