HIV tests are more positive than that guy
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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