Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
