Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Just fell off a train. Bad.
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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