I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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