I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
