She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
