I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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