i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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