She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Randomize
