see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
