I swear she didn't look like that last week.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
