It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
