I hate your face
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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