He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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