Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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