I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
