whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
