Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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