the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Randomize
