I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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