Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
