Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Randomize
