Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
