Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
