Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
