I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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