Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
