The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
