if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
honey bunches of taint.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
