i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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