Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
