I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
