I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
