she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Randomize
