Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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